Don’t Drink the Water

dont-drink-the-waterI guess, more than anything, motivation comes from not knowing.

Example: there’s this girl…

I know her first name. And her last name. I know what she looks like. I can guess some things about her and assume other things to fill in what I don’t know. But I get no certainty of details in doing any of that. There’s plenty I can do to remove doubt and curiosity but there’s also the risk of ruining the mystique that exists when I see her. People maintain a lot of quirks. Not just on an individual level but in social and cultural contexts too. You can’t make too drastic a change to too many people. Continue reading

Shark Horse (Part 19)

Shark Horse (Part 19): Shark Horse Kills Again… In Space!
By: Derek Hobson

See Part 17 for the introduction to this ShArc.
See Part 18 to be all caught up.

“When hamsters are terrorists, Frankenstein monsters areheroes, and sea creatures are specially trained nazis, I don’t think Revelations is all that bad. If anything, it makes better sense as a metaphor because how else would we believe this shit?” -Steve Gowan.

“Those who live as though God sets the rules are not going by their own rules. That is the self-sacrifice that peace  requires. Those who insist on going by their own rules cannot make that sacrifice.” -Criss Jami

“I don’t have the evidence to prove that God doesn’t exist, but I so strongly suspect he doesn’t that I don’t want to waste my time.” -Isaac Asimov

“I hate fish.” -Sea Wolf

space-sea-wolf

“F*** fish,” I whispered these words as if they were a prayer. Never before had I ever felt so f***ing… weak. Hell, Shark Whore turned me from a half wolf/half orca/all badass into Lupa once, but I didn’t feel weak, just a little less strong — and a lot less fast. Didn’t matter. F*** it. But in comes space.

Space is big. F*** you faggos for thinking otherwise. Yeah, I bet you thought to yourself in your astronomy class, “Space is f***ing big,” — what the f*** do you know? Space isn’t just big from your little desk, in your little classroom, in your little head. When you take off into space, Earth looks about the size of a pin; its blue face is the back of that pin. No amount of depth perception can remind you that you run on that sphere. You’re grounded on that sphere. But now you’re looking at it like it’s a marshmallow meant for some hot cocoa. F*** going back to Earth. You think we could land this massive spaceship on that tiny thing? You think gravity could sustain us if we did?

What the f*** do you know? Continue reading

And Another Thing… (2009) Review

and-another-thingAnd Another Thing… is the continuation of the late Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s “Trilogy” except that it’s not written by Adams — being late and all. No, this installment is written by Eoin Colfer, who was approached to write the sixth in the series for two reasons:

  1. Few (if any) liked the ending to Mostly Harmless.
  2. Adams said, “I suspect at some point in the future I will write a sixth Hitchhiker book. Five seems to be a wrong kind of number, six is a better kind of number.

So Colfer was asked by Adams’ widow to write the next one. So he did.

If you’re reading this review, then you’re probably familiar with Adams and his Hitchhiker’s work. So the biggest question is, would an Adams’ fan enjoy this book?

In regards to concepts and humor, yes, an Adams’ fan would consider this in keeping with the universe (both literal and literary-al?). For instance, I found this Colfer joke to be very Adamsian:

“Folfangan slugs judge a number’s worth based on the artistic integrity of its shape… [so] supermarket receipts are beauteous ribbons, but their economy collapses at least once a week.”

But then, Colfer also does this:

“Tricia McMillan, or Trillian to use her cool spacey name.”

Continue reading

Sharking Bad (Part 3)

Sharking Bad

Episode 3 – Warm Hogs & Chilly Dogs

Walter H. White: “Yes. Yes, that’s what we need. We need a distributor now. Do you know anyone like that?”

Jesse Pinkman: “Yeah. I mean, I used to until you killed him.”

–Breaking Bad

“Now if only chili dogs grew on trees.”

Sonic the Hedgehog

(Click here for Ep01 or Ep02)

(Click here for the Shark Horse Series Bible)

Splinter had brought a little bowl of rat pellets to feed the warthog he had chained up in his basement. “Please, eat.” Splinter nudged the bowl forward while keeping his distance.

The chain was wrapped around Bebop’s pink, veiny and sausage-like neck, forcing him to reach out with his feet to pull the bowl closer. He ravenously devoured the food like a… well, like a pig.  “Thank you,” came out between belches and slurps.

“I don’t want to keep you locked up down here,” Splinter started, filled with remorse, “but I can’t let you go. I have no reason to believe you won’t kill me, won’t kill my whole family. I don’t know what to do.”

“You’re right. You should probably kill me.” The warthog grunted as he farted, filling the room with a vile stink, worse than the melted body Raph was cleaning upstairs. “But, I mean, like, how would you kill me? I’m a mutant warthog with jackboots and a purple Mohawk. You’re a rat with cancer—“

“I have ratatouille!” Splinter shouted, remembering his collapse earlier. Continue reading

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) Review

the-amazing-spider-man-2If it’s one thing I’ve learned from reviewing superhero movies, it’s that – unless you’re Christopher Nolan – they’re held to different standards. For instance, if the plot features innumerable characters thinly tied together by a corporate McGuffin, then many critics (even those of the highest esteem) turn the other cheek so long as there are enough innovative action sequences to fill the running time. The difficulty is in maintaining that turned cheek when the running time exceeds 2 ½ hours.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is a sequel to the reboot of 2002’s Spider-Man – are you with me so far? This redundancy is only matched by the average movie-goers who will no doubt leave the theater saying, “The Amazing Spider-Man was amazing,” as though the corporate masterminds behind this venture (Sony/Oscorp) are marketing adjectives for patrons to tell their friends – the fact that it was the name of a previous comic book iteration is just a happy coincidence; yes, fairly soon, we’ll see the spin-off “Spectacular Spider-Man,” “The Sensational Spider-Man,” and, if we’re lucky, “Spider-Man, Now with No MSG.”

Continue reading